Anniversary Reactions

Thanks for joining me. I’m glad that you are here with me today.

I have talked about anniversary reactions before, but I wanted to dig a little deeper because I am coming up on a big one this week. An anniversary reaction is when your brain and/or body is triggered on or around the date that a traumatic experience occurred. Coming out of a 5-year abusive marriage, I have a lot of triggers, but dates are significant for me. I would like to talk about two today.

Back in April, I shared that I was experiencing an episode of CPTSD. It had begun in early March with some flashbacks and trouble getting to sleep. I assumed it was because I had started this blog, but it ramped up pretty quickly until I was suffering from a myriad of symptoms. As I journaled, I quickly realized that April was upon me. April 2017 was the month of all months. Combined with a pandemic that changed the landscape of the world around me, I was having an anniversary reaction. A very negative one.

April 23, 2017, is the day that I ended my marriage. The weeks leading up to it were miserable. I was terrified and devastated AND eager and fueled up. I am not even sure that I could really tell you everything that I was feeling that month because it was like dropping a bucket of tennis balls and watching them bounce in every direction. It felt like my life was ending – but also just beginning. I felt absolutely heartbroken – yet immensely relieved. I was so afraid of people’s responses – and I couldn’t help but throw it all to the wind.

Over the next few months, I completed the legal process of divorce, sorted out next steps, and prepared to sell our house.

August 12, 2017, what would have been my five-year wedding anniversary, is the day that I consider to be my Re.defined birthday. It is the day that I drove a moving truck to Pittsburgh. It represents freedom. The weeks leading up to it were full of release. I combed through the physical remnants of years of memories, letting go of little pieces of hurt with each keepsake that went in the garbage. I personally filled out and filed each step of the divorce paperwork with the courthouse, leaving me feeling empowered. I had landed a new job in a new city, giving me hope and excitement. I signed the closing papers on the house, cutting the last major tie to him.

It was probably the most cathartic few weeks I have had in my life. As a symbolic close of that chapter of my life, on August 30, 2017, I hopped on a plane and spent 2 incredible weeks alone in Ireland.

Now back to anniversary reactions. April is a mix of terrified and excited. August is cathartic and freeing.

April 2018 – Taught my first kid’s class at church in almost 2 years. Preached my first sermon in a young adult’s ministry ever. Finished my first semester of Master’s classes. Felt completely inadequate in every area of life and yet lit on fire with purpose.

April 2019 – Taught my last kid’s class and preached my last sermon at that church. Left my job (and got my last paycheck because I haven’t had an income since). Moved to Virginia to complete my Master’s degree at a counseling office. Felt so sad to leave the community that facilitated healing and friendship, and excited to begin a new adventure.

April 2020 – Possibly more difficult than April 2017. A major episode of CPTSD met with God speaking bold promises over my life.

August 2018 – Celebrated a beautiful year of hitting my stride and experienced great peace. Let go of some marriage mementos that I wasn’t ready to release the year before. Spent the 12^th at my favorite spot in all of Pittsburgh, sitting by the water.

August 2019 – Completed my internship and officially finished my Master’s degree. Packed just a few items to begin a 4-month adventure in South East Asia and Australia, leaving “normal” behind. Spent the 12^th at the beach.

August 2020 – A few days ago I began itching to de-clutter and clean out my closet. Yesterday, I made the decision to finally let go of the last few wedding items that, to be honest, I just wasn’t sure what was “right” to do with. I will spend the 12^th biking my favorite path in Miami and ending at the beach.

This August has been a little different though. Last week, I shared that I had a few really difficult days. I was feeling very critical and lost. I honestly felt pretty hopeless. I think this was part of the anniversary reaction. I think that my brain wanted to feel satisfied, peaceful, and free, but everything is up in the air. Reality clashed with pattern, making me feel chaos. I am so thankful that in the days since I have begun to experience that special calm. As I worked out where the wave of disappointment came from, God brought stillness to my soul.

The world feels scary and unsure right now, but my hope is found in Jesus.

If you are a victim of abuse (or survivor of a traumatic event), you will likely experience anniversary reactions. Journaling or keeping an emotion calendar can help you see the patterns and prepare for the future. Don’t be discouraged when your body and brain remember the event and act out. It is a natural part of the journey of healing, and we should do our best to honor ourselves in the process.

I won’t be posting again this week. See you next Monday!