Feel the Victories

I would love to blame this pandemic for the funk that I am in (though I know it plays a part), but unfortunately, it has a lot more to do with old trauma than anything new. A few days ago, I had the first panic attack that I have had in a long time. I’d say that I have plenty of moments of overwhelming anxiety (that I have gotten much better at managing, thankfully), but this was the full-on, can’t breath, sweating, shaking, might be dyeing, nauseous, disaster of a day that made me curl up in my bed to stay for hours…which lead to days. I truly lost all sense of time.

This post is not about that panic attack. It is about a list that turned out to be just what I needed to pull myself out of the cocoon of blankets. A friend inspired me to form a list of things that I can be proud of from the last few years. He had expressed that he has trouble celebrating himself – a topic that I love to discuss because I really believe in finding the win in every single day. In a bittersweet way, I have become so habitual about celebrating the little things that I was struggling to see the major accomplishments that I have experienced over the last 3 years (since divorcing).

Coincidentally, or more likely God-ordained, I had also been doing some reading on why women stay in abusive situations and the struggles often encountered after leaving. I’ve read about these things before but in the last few weeks, I have been struck so differently. I work hard to keep a positive perspective and be thankful for everything that I have, but this exercise in celebrating the major victories of my Re.defined life was a serious shift in my vision. So much so that I decided to dig deep into the life of my marriage to pull out the major victories of that time too.

I have written a few times on my social media about how grateful I am for the provisions and support that I had during marriage. But throughout those years, I was constantly being made to feel like nothing that I couldn’t see; I was blind to who I was and what I was succeeding at. The rest of this post is not going to be a list of all that I am proud of, and it isn’t intended to be some kind of brag. It is to say that there is serious power in celebration. I’ve never taken the time to actually give myself credit for achieving anything.

I struggled to write this post because it all sounds a bit narcissistic but in reality,
you have permission to celebrate what you’ve done!
There is a difference between toxic pride and being proud of yourself.

I knew when I left [him] that I would need to work extra hard at learning my true identity and seeing the value that I hold. And since accomplishments do not change our value, I haven’t thought all that much about them. But over the last few weeks, I have realized that I have so much to be proud of. I can’t believe that I have never taken the time to let some of these things soak in. They aren’t all “extraordinary” by every standard, but I have done some awesome stuff! That feels weird to type, but I’ve realized that I need to give myself permission to be proud.

Having a celebratory spirit is more than putting on a party hat and throwing confetti – though that is really really fun to do and more people should do it more often. It is more than saying “you made it through the day with/out…,” though sometimes that is an important recognition. Celebrating a win, big or small, is about feeling a deep sense of victory. I’ve learned to love myself and acknowledge a day well done, but I am happy to be learning what celebrating myself really means.

Yes, I am more than the things I have done.
No achievement will ever define who I am.
But my goodness do I have a lot to say “well done” about.
I strive for my character and integrity to always speak the loudest, but I want to feel the victories.