This post has taken some time to write, and I reserve the right to update it at any time. I say that because I have researched forgiveness for many years. There are an overwhelming amount of definitions, opinions, caveats, timelines, and requirements floating around for it. My understanding and practice of it has changed over time and will likely continue to as I learn and grow. In fact, I already went back to Monday’s post and made some edits to better reflect my thoughts discussed here.
The main thing that you should know is that when I say forgiveness, I am not referring to a result but a process. Forgiveness is a journey, not a resolution.
I believe that forgiveness is commanded. God requires it of us. In saying that, if I see it as a process, my belief is closer to “God requires the transformation that occurs in my heart, moving from resentment to empathy, when I choose to go on the journey of forgiveness.” It takes time. It has phases. You may even feel that forgiveness was accomplished but be triggered sometime later and need to go through the process again. I don’t believe that God views you as unforgiving if you have to repeat the process or never get to complete it in your lifetime.
The desire, willingness, and effort to forgive are what release bitterness.
Bitterness occurs when your emotions have become toxic. You’ve held them, allowing them to grow, and fully consume you. They move past the offense and into the rest of your life. Forgiveness doesn’t erase your emotions, but it does allow you to think or talk about the offense or offender without being dominated by your emotions.
Forgiveness does not remove your desire for justice. It does however remove the administration of it from your hands. If the offense breaks the law, you have every right to place it in the hands of the judicial system. If not, you can place it in the hands of God; justice is a major theme in the Bible. Remember, justice does not mean revenge.
Forgiveness does not have to lead to reconciliation with others. It does not restore trust. It does not mean the offense is forgotten. Some people believe that you do not have to forgive an abuser. I *think* this has more to do with misconceptions of forgiveness and triggers from the word because of poor definitions and unmerited pressure than it does with the process itself.
I believe that forgiveness is required, but you begin when you are ready and you take as much time as you need.
There is a lot more that I could say, but I will end with – Forgiveness does not equal healing. In fact, forgiveness may not be possible for you until you have made headway with healing. But I do think they go hand in hand. I say headway because just like forgiveness, healing is a journey that may not ever really be finished. I say it all the time – I will likely be working to heal from the abuse that took place in my life for the rest of my days, and I have come to accept that this may be true of forgiveness of my abuser as well.
I can say that I am on the journey of forgiveness because I have released bitterness, but I am nowhere near the end. When I spoke in this post of the exercise that I do with the index cards, you should know that while I have retired a handful of them, many will have to go through that process of prayer countless more times, and I have plenty more cards to go. This has also only been one helpful practice of my journey. It helped me to identify what I needed to forgive him for, and consequently, where I needed to focus on healing.
A lot of people ask the question of how to forgive. When you look in the Bible, there is not a recipe to follow. Many people have studied forgiveness and provide helpful steps that you can use, but there is no standard formula. I think it’s really important to recognize the individual journey that we walk with God. He didn’t give us a how-to list because He wants to be invited into our process so that He can help us take our steps.
If you are struggling with how to begin your journey, try some exercises to soften your heart to become more willing to forgive. Check out this guided prayer that can help.
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