Grace for Today

Self-compassion is a really big topic during this pandemic. With such an extreme disruption of schedule and options, it is natural to lack motivation, feel flustered or anxious, be less productive, and face emotions that maybe wouldn’t be part of your “normal” life. It is easy to criticize yourself for those shifts or feel disappointed about a myriad of changes forced upon you. Self-compassion is about more than loving yourself and infusing confidence, it is about being ok with the exact moment you are in and the way that you are handling it. It can involve recognition that you want to see change, but it is being gracious for what you can do right now.

Self-compassion for a victim of abuse can look a little different than for the “average” person. I know for me personally, it involves more consideration for feelings and behaviors that I can’t pinpoint or find the source of. It can mean struggling to see the present (comparing to the past) or feeling like I am right back in that place. I can be surprised by my reactions, feel unsure of what is real or if my memory is true, struggle to trust others and myself, question my progress, feel trapped by my emotions, or wonder if I am damaged beyond repair.

Lots of people recite daily affirmations, particularly to develop confidence. It’s a little difficult to explain, but this week I needed to be reminded that I am alive and worthy to be. Like I needed to see my flesh to believe that I am a person. Looking in the mirror to talk to myself is so much harder than I thought it would be, especially if an ugly cry face is involved. It feels cheesy and unnatural, but worse, sometimes I feel like the friend that says, “yay, you got a haircut” because I can’t say “wow, that haircut looks so good.”

Statements like, “I am beautiful” or “I am kind” are great. They build identity, confidence, and love. But self-compassion focuses more on empathy and understanding. You are still beautiful and kind if you deviate from your normal mood or attitude. Your identity is still intact if you need to rest or create boundaries. Self-compassion says that is ok to do all of those things. It says that being beautiful and kind still allows for struggle and heartaches. And for a victim of abuse, it recognizes that even the smallest steps are steps taken. That sometimes just surviving the day is worth celebrating.

For me, my biggest act of self-compassion is admitting that I want people to care for me. It is easy to put up a wall that says, “I am capable of taking care of myself. I can do everything on my own. I don’t need anyone to provide anything for me.” But this year, I have been learning that it is ok to desire friends or a partner who do things purely out of love for me. And when they do those things, they are not saying that I am not capable or intelligent enough to do them on my own. I have needs and other people are allowed to meet them.

I have included some of my favorite statements for self-compassion. Please feel free to share some of your own in the comments.

I am in a safe place. I can identify safe people.

I did what I could in those moments, and I am doing what I can in these.

It’s ok if this season feels hard too.

I am allowed to feel proud of myself. I have a lot to be proud of.

I am allowed to honor myself for what others may not recognize.

Being free does not equal independence. I am allowed to need others.

I am allowed to say no. Boundaries are not betrayal.

I do not need to earn friendship and not everyone will be my friend.

My voice is worth being heard.

Some sacrifices are good sacrifices.

Showing up for today doesn’t have to look like it did yesterday.