I remember walking into the Philadelphia courthouse like it was yesterday. I forgot I had pepper spray in my purse and the guard made me throw it out. I felt so silly since I had already been there a few times. This was my last set of paperwork in an arduous process, and I knew exactly where to go. Stepping off the elevator felt surreal. My eyes went straight to the counter that was waiting for me, completely open, no line at all. You know that’s a tiny miracle if you’ve ever been there.
I handed the clerk my paperwork. Her fingers flipped through, and her brow became furrowed as she looked over every detail. I started to feel anxious. What if there was a mistake? What if I was making a mistake? She finally looked up. “There is no lawyer listed; you completed this all yourself?” “Yes. Did I miss something?” “No, just wondering what he did. He’s losing a remarkably intelligent and beautiful woman. Must’ve been a real idiot to let you go.” I think that was God’s way of reminding me that I was seen.
The smile that took over my face made my cheeks hurt. All of my angst faded away. Her stamp hit the page and all of the air left my body in the ultimate sigh of relief. I was legally free (the final decree from the judge wouldn’t come for a few weeks, but her approval felt like all I needed at the moment). I walked out that day, felt the sun on my face, breathed the fresh (city) air, and stood completely still. Not in shock, in reverence.
I closed my eyes and thanked God for redefining the fear of divorce into the joy of freedom.
That morning at the courthouse, there wasn’t a thought in my mind about making my story public. (In fact, the first line I would write was “I’ve always debated ‘proper use of social media.’ I never want to be the person that people roll their eyes at because I overshare”). But just a few hours later, I was sitting in an airport, about to embark on my first solo international trip, when I heard the Holy Spirit say,
“You’ve been honest, now be vulnerable.”
I proceeded to write, “This year I decided to always answer every question asked of me, and to do it honestly. I used to have an irrational fear that if people knew the truth, I’d end up more alone than I already felt. But in fact, it has caused the exact opposite. I have never felt so surrounded and supported. And I’ve never felt so refreshed and free. It’s been a year of harsh realities but those propelled courage to make bold choices that have led to incredible healing. Jesus has protected me every step of the way and showed more grace than I ever thought I deserved. He has loved me well. And I know He always will. Today has been a day…”
You have no idea how long I debated hitting the share button.
It still hasn’t gotten any easier. Being vulnerable is scary. I’m not saying that social media or the internet is always the place for it, but I decided that expanding my community past who I could meet in person was important to my story. Today, I chose to write the rest of this post using pieces of that social media journey that brought me to here. This blog. This new adventure.
It can be scary to put ourselves into the light, but facing fear is important to finding true healing and developing community. I believe there is so much power in speaking out loud. I post so that someone in an abusive relationship can know that you are not alone. It’s not normal couple conflict, you don’t have to be silent, you can find the strength to leave, there is hope of a good future, you can get help. Healing is real. It’s ok if others don’t understand or don’t believe you; what you are experiencing is real and how you feel about it is valid.
A lot of people have been surprised by my posts. Many have said, “I had no idea.” That’s because it’s incredibly easy to throw a smile on and go about life pretending while absolutely dying inside. Social media can create something beautiful that doesn’t exist. Even people I interacted with regularly only saw little slivers of what was really going on. The few times I did get vulnerable, I followed up with “but really I’m ok, I’ll be fine, life will go on, it’s just this one thing this one time” but none of it was true. One day I realized that through it all, I was still surrounded by amazing people. They loved me hard, even when they didn’t know how to, just by sticking with me.
I began to see that the people I was most inspired by were also the people that are the most bravely honest. Vulnerable.
Others flock to them because there is something so powerful about vulnerability, honesty, courage – laying it all out on the table, and then handling it with great integrity and dignity. I think we struggle in silence because there’s a great deal of embarrassment that gets involved when things aren’t perfect. But I think God is calling us to lay that at His feet and start sharing. Because when we do, we quickly find that we are not alone.
We become connected.
I am a major introvert but I’ve learned how to be open, how to connect, how to engage. It’s hard work most days, to be honest. I live alone because sometimes I just need to curl up at home in the silence. It was especially difficult for the last five years when I was struggling to even love myself. When every ounce of energy seemed to go to just surviving. But I’ll never stop trying to do my best to make people around me feel loved, heard, and cared for. I’m definitely not perfect, sometimes not even good, but I’m forever working on it.
Wherever you live, I guarantee that if you began to introduce yourself to the people around you, the world would get a lot bigger. I encourage you to begin to ask questions and listen. It has genuinely been freeing for me to hear where other people have come from and where they’re going. And listening is truly the best way I know how to love people. It has introduced me to so many new things, new ways of thinking, a new vision for the future.
I love hearing how people have overcome hardships, loss, trauma, and grief. I also love to hear the moments of triumph, celebration, and excitement. It’s fun to learn how different someone else has done life, and even more fun to find the common moments that connect us all anyway.
Don’t allow yourself to believe that you are alone in how you feel, that no one else could ever possibly understand. It’s just not true. Don’t allow yourself to believe that you have to be “healed” to help someone else with their hurt – you never know how they’ll help you too.
Love someone today by listening. Love yourself by allowing others to hear you.
Related Posts
