This week’s story of obedience looks quite different. Check out the more uplifting tale from last week in this post.
Coming to Miami involved a much longer delay of judgment (what a soft way to say disobedience). It took Jesus a year to break this stubborn spirit. I don’t even know why. Miami is completely flat and touches the ocean. Was that not exactly what I told Him that I wanted? We’ll fast-forward through all of that banter to January 1st, 2020 when I became an official resident of Miami.
God told me that my main purpose for moving here was to serve at a specific church. I didn’t know much about it or the city, so I marked the church office on my map and searched nearby apartments. I picked a few that looked decent, drove down in my moving truck, saw the spaces that afternoon, and signed a lease the next morning. I started attending the church that first Sunday and immediately began their process to become a volunteer.
What an easy start. Felt like everything would just fall into place again.
I unpacked and settled in, working around the maintenance man for the first few days as he put the finishing touches on my newly renovated space. Little did I know that for the next three months, I would become well acquainted with him and a few other men as they fixed just about every issue that you could imagine from plumbing to electrical work, to a week without a functioning toilet and multiple ceiling leaks. Oh and did I mention, the immense amount of poison that I have to use to keep the property cockroaches out. I’m living in a single girl’s dream world…
At least I was getting plugged in at the church. Not. Just as I began to feel like connections were being formed and with a quick two weeks of actual serving, the pandemic lockdown began. And so commenced the last four months of doing everything virtually possible to be involved. I don’t yet feel that I have my community or that I am serving as much I want to, but such is the life of quarantine. I desperately miss face-to-face introductions and singing together.
You might ask, do you like your job? This has been the most difficult aspect of all. I don’t have one. I have been really hesitant to share this in a public way, but I have heard the Holy Spirit asking me to, so here I am trying to practice obedience. If you read my post a few weeks ago when I talked about waiting, you might have noticed that I wasn’t specific about what I was waiting for. I even referenced some words that God has been speaking to me over and over again, but I said that I would keep them between us. Well, here they are, “I am preparing a place for you.”
Back in January, I sat down to begin applying for jobs here when God said, “no.” I wasn’t really sure what He meant at first – was it no to a specific job or all jobs? So I decided to hold off on applying altogether and begin praying. And so He spoke about this place that He is preparing. That made some sense to me because every job I have held in the past was brought to my attention through a personal connection. I figured I would just begin to speak to people I met about my search and see what happened. People did begin to tell me about openings, but God continued to say no.
God has only given two additional directives as I have continued waiting.
On a Tuesday morning back in January, I was lamenting to Jesus that I wanted to know more about this place that He is preparing. Where is it? What kind of job? Who should I be speaking to? (This was only a few weeks in; if I only knew my lamenting would still be going 6 months later). He had one simple answer, “in the room.” He also spoke to my heart about being a leader and reiterated to me my personal mission statement, which I am going to be sharing about next week. The next evening, I attended a church event intended to honor volunteers, even though I wasn’t officially serving yet, figuring I could meet some people. The message for the evening was titled, “in the room.”
In that moment, I realized that He has been whispering to me about full-time ministry for a few years. I don’t believe that He was specifically asking me to make a move, just softening my heart. To be perfectly honest, when I left my position (volunteer but lots of hours) at my church in Philly 4 years ago as a last-ditch effort to save my marriage (a story for another time), I felt disqualified from ministry. Of course, then filing for divorce cemented that in my heart. When I moved to Pittsburgh, I was slow to step into participating in the church in any way besides attending. God began to open doors and ask me to step through them, so I did, and I was very blessed to serve in a few ways that filled me with a lot of joy.
The second directive was about starting this blog. From the beginning, I have felt that the intention was to make a couple of people feel a little less lonely in their journey, to help me practice writing, and to be an outlet of obedience for me. I pray about the things that He would like me to post. I spend a lot of time studying the Bible and other resources to be well informed. I have never felt that it is intended to be an income source or even a forever space. I guess we’ll see.
I have been trying really hard not to create a narrative in my mind about specifics. God is so creative. I want to be fully engaged in whatever He has for me, not spending any time feeling disappointed about an unmet expectation that I made up. I have also had to work to let go of the idea that I know better, that His wisdom is not endlessly greater than mine, and the many fears over finances. But possibly the most difficult part has been letting go of the identity that I place in what I do. I didn’t realize how much I relied on jobs or responsibilities to make me feel valuable and worthy.
It would take me many more paragraphs to explain the full repercussions, feelings, and moments with Jesus during this season. He has been teaching me so much, as I have had to be fully reliant on Him in every aspect. God surely knows what He is doing. He hasn’t failed me, and I feel confident that He never will. His words have not wavered. His provisions have not wavered. His unconditional love for me has not wavered.
Check out this post about being obedient when God speaks.
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