I’ll be honest; I hadn’t planned to post today. Monday’s post focused on Personal Mission Statements, and I included some links to information on how to write one for yourself. I decided not to write a guide because there are so many well-written how-tos already available, leaving me without a growth post this week. But God tapped my heart, like He so often does, and asked me to share how I’ve grown within my own PMS.
I mentioned that I wrote my first PMS in high school. It wasn’t very eloquent, just a few bullet points, but even that original one included: following Jesus and serving the church to help others follow Jesus. I had felt called by God to be active in children’s ministry and was able to serve my church at that time in a big capacity. I loved learning more about the Bible while writing the curriculum just as much as I loved connecting with the kids. It was so unique to be in high school and feel like God had given me a natural talent.
I wanted to grow more in my theology and ministry skills, so I went to Bible College to become a Children’s Pastor. I spent my first three years diligently studying and learning, taking the maximum amount of credits a semester that I could, including summers. I was on track for a double major in Children’s Ministry and Pastoral Counseling, and double minor in Social Services and Youth Ministry. I had my plan mapped out. I would graduate, get my pastoral credentials, go into full-time ministry, get my Master’s Degree in Pastoral Counseling, meet a man, get married, and start a family.
At the end of my junior year (May 2011), I moved into my aunt and uncle’s home to spend my summer completing a counseling internship. I quickly realized that in all of my busyness throughout college, I was neglecting my emotional health. I decided to do the fall semester online from their home (August 2011), reducing my class load and trying to find some rest. Over those few months, my ex slowly became more and more present in my life. With voices on all sides of me speaking of his deep faith and high character – devoted to God, church, and family – and with his persistence in asking me to reconsider him, we began going on dates. One of these days, I’ll write a post about our full backstory, but you can read a little snippet of dating to marriage in this post.
Fast forward to our honeymoon (August 2012). The next week I would be starting my senior year of college and preparing to check off my next few life plan boxes, which my new husband was fully aware and supportive of. We sat at a steakhouse table in Gatlinburg, TN when he told me about his newfound discomfort with part of my plan (this would become a recurring theme throughout the marriage). He expressed that he now felt uncomfortable with me pursuing pastoral credentials. Seemingly overnight, he decided that denominations were unbiblical and evil and that I couldn’t tie myself to one of these organizations. Besides, we knew plenty of people working in ministry that didn’t have credentials; I didn’t need them either.
I can’t express the deep hurt that I felt at that moment, just days into saying “I do,” let alone the immense brokenness that was going to take over my life. Just a couple of months later, he expressed that he felt it would be financially unwise for me to get a master’s degree, as the job I was currently working (while in school full time) was not enough to cover more tuition. His salary couldn’t go to my education because he “needed to invest it in our family’s future.” If I really cared about that future too, I needed to change my dream or work for a few years until I could pay for it without putting us in more debt.
My undergrad graduation day came (May 2013), and I remember crying myself to sleep that night because I had no idea what I was going to do with any of my education. Those tears would continue to flow over the next few years as he did everything in his power to pull me away from serving the church. I’m so thankful that he could not take my relationship with Jesus, even though he tried. In the last few days of marriage, I wrote in my journal, “Everything he was, was a lie. Everything he is, is a lie. And now, I am nothing.”
In September 2017, I sat with my final divorce decree in my hands, feeling disqualified from all ministry, let alone vocational ministry. I asked God why He had helped me shape a personal mission statement for my life that now seemed impossible to fulfill. He assured me that His promises did not disappear when I entered the relationship. He still had every intention of seeing me step into the plans He had placed in my heart.
I referenced a little bit of my current story of ministry pursuit in this post. Re.defined is also a wonderful piece of that purpose. As you can probably tell from my PMS, God lit my heart on fire with passion as a teenager, and even though my ex-husband got it down to coals, Jesus never stopped tending to it. The flames are burning hotter than ever. I didn’t need to throw my PMS out. I just needed to trust that God would redeem it. And that, He has.
If you are praying about your purpose for the first time, or feel like you’ve gotten so from what you once thought it was that it might not be possible to go back, invite Jesus to help you write your Personal Mission Statement. If He is in it, you will see how He has been leading and will continue to lead you in fulfilling it. He has more for you. Live with intention.
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