The emotional confusion during and after an abusive relationship is complicated. Sorting through muddled memories and rectifying manipulation is really hard. Mixed up in all of the actions done against me are my own shortcomings, reactions I feel guilty for, people I isolated from, and things I missed out on. I can feel stuck under my perceived and real mistakes, unable to discern where my guilt and shame are stemming from.
Did that really happen or was he right when he insisted I created a narrative in my mind? Was that snap because I’m an angry person with no self-control or was I provoked to the point of no return? Were those people really saying those things behind my back or did he fabricate their words? Did I choose to miss that event or did he manipulate me to believe I shouldn’t go or wouldn’t enjoy it? And on and on, the twisting never stops.
Not to mention all the blame I place on myself. How did I get there? Why was I so blind? How could I believe those things? Why didn’t I leave sooner? What is wrong with me, am I not worthy? And the blame that others place on me. If you had ……., he wouldn’t have acted that way. How could you give up on him and abandon him? How could you break a marriage vow? How can you publically share “your story” and make him look bad?
Trying to figure out what I even need to forgive myself for can be exhausting. Is that guilt justified or can I drop it and move on to the next instance? I started to realize early on that every single time I feel even an inkling of guilt, I need to name it, talk through the situation out loud (Jesus is always available to listen), have compassion for myself in that memory, and take steps to forgive myself, if warranted, otherwise, shame will begin to eat me alive. The self-blame will only spiral.
The longer I have been away, the less often I deal with guilt and shame from that period of my life. It gets easier and easier to untangle the memories and dispute the confusion. I’ve learned so much more about compassion and self-forgiveness without accepting false blame. If you are in a similar position, there is hope. Your heart and mind won’t always be twisted.
Come back on Wednesday for the final post in the Re.lease series, all about self-forgiveness.
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