This series started with Jesus’ forgiveness of us and our forgiveness of others and is ending with the power of forgiving yourself.
Guilt and shame are pretty tricky topics because sometimes we blame ourselves or overthink situations leading to emotional weight that we may not need to be carrying. But other times, these emotions can indicate an area of our lives that we can grow in. There is, of course, a difference between guilt and shame, though they often come hand in hand. Regardless of which you are feeling, self-forgiveness is the route to release.
The first step is pinpointing the issue that is weighing on you. Say it out loud. Verbal processing can provide a better view of what happened and potentially help you identify what consequences were real and which were perceived because of the lenses that you see yourself through. In doing this, you can:
Take responsibility for what is true. You may be placing blame on yourself for things that you didn’t do, blowing the situation out of proportion, or be fixating on an assumed repercussion of your actions that is not really there. Shame can skew your vision, so it is important to clarify and focus on your part. (Read more about the confusion in this process that can be present in abusive situations in this post.)
Name your emotions. This is always an important step for healing and growth. Are you angry with yourself? Disappointed? Confused about why you did it? This process brings emotional intelligence and self-awareness.
Explore why you are struggling to forgive yourself. “If I forgive myself, I might do it again.” “I don’t deserve to be forgiven, I haven’t done anything to make up for it.” “If I forgive myself, I am admitting that I was wrong.”
Ask for Jesus’ forgiveness and accept it. He died on the cross for every sin. No matter how you feel about your actions in this moment, Jesus forgives you fully. Accepting His grace and mercy for you and everything that you have done, can help you to:
Speak compassionate words over yourself. No matter what you have done, it doesn’t change how Jesus sees you or the way that He loves you. Take time to speak kindly about who you are. Show yourself empathy and understanding. Think about how you would respond if it were someone else responsible – give yourself the same grace.
Apologize to anyone affected (as long as it does not bring them harm). It doesn’t matter if they choose to forgive you or not. Making amends may help bring perspective and closure.
Stop replaying it in your mind and engage with the present. Once you have chosen forgiveness, it is time to stop fixating. The present and the future need your full attention. Make the conscious decision to keep your head turned forward.
Finally, decide to educate yourself so that you can act in a different way moving forward. Take this opportunity to grow into a better version of yourself. If you found that you responded in a certain way because insecurity was poked, learn about how you can recognize that soft spot moving forward, and improve your reactions. If you learn that you did what you did because it gave you a sense of power and control, learn about positive ways to satisfy those desires. Help yourself out of the cycle.
Forgiving yourself can take time. Don’t rush the meaningful healing and positive changes that can take place when you learn this act of self-compassion.
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