Divorce is such a dirty word. Fear of the word and all the stares attached to it kept me in a dark place for a long time. God never intended divorce to be part of our marriages. It isn’t His passion or desire for His sons and daughters. But one day I realized that He never intended for abuse to be part of our marriages either. God never intended for me to feel like I was slowly dying, like my soul was losing all life.
It seemed that everything around me was withering away. Even my physical body was growing too weary to continue. I began to feel like life wasn’t even worth the little living I could muster. I constantly felt desperate for an end. All hope seemed to be gone. I felt trapped by the fear that God and my community would no longer accept me if I made the decision that I needed to be free.
There were many times I told myself “divorce is not an option, you’ll make it work.” But I couldn’t.
Deciding to divorce was one of the hardest decisions I have ever made. Safety wasn’t my only concern. Theology was too. I felt lost when it came to my options as a Christian who believes in the sanctity of the covenant of marriage. My situation did not fit the biblical parameters of divorce generally recognized as acceptable (as stated in Matthew 19 and 1 Corinthians 7). But I was in deep suffering. Would God really want me to stay in it?
I invited the Holy Spirit to guide my exploration into the heart of God for my situation.
I am not presenting this as truth, simply my own theological conclusions about my abusive marriage. I always remind myself that part of faith is allowing God to bring me more revelation of His truth.
My husband broke our marriage covenant through his abuse. He was not treating me as one flesh. His behavior did not align with what God intended his role to be in our marriage (as stated in Genesis 2, Ephesians 5, 1 Peter 3, etc).
As His daughter, God’s love and protection for me run deeper than anything else. He was not asking me to stay in an unsafe situation that was bringing me harm. The Psalms are particularly filled with the promise of protection.
While our human institution of marriage was designed after the covenant that God established, He did not desire for me to stay in a state of legal ambiguity, with possible financial and physical danger. He is not a legalistic God – Jesus combats legalism with His life and His example of grace. Staying separated for safety but not pursuing divorce is legalistic.
Because of the waiting periods throughout the divorce process and my legal ability to take as long as I needed to make decisions around next steps, I gave God permission to redirect my heart at any time to a different path and to do a miracle in my husband. I was committed to listening to His voice and being obedient.
Ultimately I realized that Jesus died for every sin. I was willing to take the chance that I was stepping outside of biblical bounds for my own protection. I was willing to pay the cost for my sins more than I was willing to stay with a man that stole every piece of me; a man who stomped on every fiber of my being and made me feel like nothing. Thankfully, I don’t believe that it was sinful for me to leave for the reasons above.
Abuse wasn’t my refining fire.
I didn’t need to be abused to show me where I needed to grow.
I didn’t need abuse to push me closer to God.
God didn’t need abuse to be my suffering – there was no divine purpose for staying in this pain.
He wasn’t giving me the strength to stay as a tool to bring my husband closer to Him.
He wasn’t asking me to rejoice in these sufferings.
I didn’t need more faith to be able to endure.
I didn’t need to make myself a martyr by staying.
Jesus wasn’t asking me to make this my cross to bear.
I wasn’t bringing the abuse upon myself because of my sin or the condition of my soul.
Looking forward to relief from this in heaven wasn’t a reason to stay in it on earth.
I am not here to tell you if your marriage is abusive or not. I am not here to tell you if you should divorce or not. I created this blog as a space for hope. We are all responsible before God for our choices, but I am here to encourage you to remove the fear of judgment from your decision-making. Allow the grace and mercy that you receive through the death of Jesus to be your guide. Do not let the fear of God discourage you, instead take time to sit in His presence and allow His love for you to be the loudest.
I want to take a moment to speak directly to people in abusive marriages right now. You do not need the approval of others to divorce. Other Christians or your church, and even your family and friends, do not need to agree with your decision. No one understands the situation that you are in like you do. In fact, others may be just as deceived by your abuser as you have been. If a church is ex-communicating you because of your decision to divorce, you shouldn’t be there anyway. It is easier said than done, but this is a time to let go of any need of approval or desire for agreement and fight for your safety against all else.
There is a lot of information out there about divorce in abusive situations being presented as “absolute truth” that hurts my heart so deeply. Examine your heart and your intentions. Ask God for wisdom and clarity. Use His word to help you discern the best decision for your situation. Take the action that you feel is necessary for your safety. Seek support from a professional counselor who is experienced in working with victims of abuse.
Check out this post about developing a biblical point of view on any theological matter.
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