Boundaries are a tool to create or maintain control, safety, well being, and, ultimately, joy. They are important in every relationship and area of life, but boundaries during separation or divorce may need to be stricter, extra intentional, and communicated more often. They may include restricting space, conversation, time, emotions, and possessions. During a stressful event like divorce, boundaries can conserve emotional energy and help you to find more independence and agency.
For me personally, because I was leaving an abusive marriage, I needed to have strict boundaries, including:
- physical space (approval before entering the home where I was living, not coming to my desk at work, not touching me in any way)
- how often/what time of day/where/and what topics we were communicating with one another (avoiding intimacy, staying composed, not venting, etc.)
- what I was communicating to others
- finances (we opened separate accounts right away to deposit our own paychecks in and split the current savings 50/50)
- having time where I would not think about or discuss the marriage/divorce at all
- after the divorce was legally finalized and all property was settled, cutting off all communication on every platform
Boundaries don’t always include other people. Like we discussed last week, deciding who you do not want to be can help you identify boundaries in your own behavior, actions, and speech. They can help you stay focused and feel proud of how you handle the process. More recently, triggers and CPTSD issues have also helped me determine new boundaries around my thoughts and emotional self-care.
Once you have determined your limits, you should decide which need to be communicated to your partner. Not all boundaries have to be made known, but some cannot be met if not spoken about. Be assertive and focus on “I” statements – “I feel exhausted and unable to regulate my emotions well after 8pm so I need all of our conversations to take place before then.” You don’t always have to give an explanation like that, though. Sometimes a simple “no” is absolutely acceptable.
My ex worked hard to make me feel guilty for setting boundaries, particularly around physical contact. He felt that during separation, we should still hug, kiss, and even have sex. I did not. I had to communicate those boundaries over and over again, but I am thankful that I did not waver and I recognized that it was my right to say no. Going to counseling helped me feel empowered to stay assertive.
Even if this season is not your choice, take some time to consider new boundaries that you need to put in place to keep yourself healthy. You are important. You deserve safety. Your needs matter.
