Realizing that I needed to Re.define my life wasn’t about victory for me. I wasn’t overcoming an addiction or sinful habit. I wasn’t deciding that I wanted to be a better person or inviting Jesus to walk with me. He had been by my side the entire way. I’m thankful that He never left me or forsake me.
The moment I realized I needed to Re.define was the moment I acknowledged that trauma was written in my book. Its escort abuse was imprinted too. It wasn’t my pen that had put them there.
Someone else scribbled those words onto my pages and forced me to Re.define. It took awhile to realize that I had a choice in what to write next.
I spent months feeling desperate to erase the abuse in my marriage and rewrite us as the perfect couple, happy and healthy, an example to others. If I could just go a few chapters back and rewrite how he treated me. Change the narrative. Erase what he had done and how it crumpled and stained my pages.
But those words were permanent.
There was no changing it. No way to erase the hurt or rewrite the abuse. I’m thankful that God supported me in closing that section of chapters. I’ll write more about my theological beliefs about divorce in abusive situations in the future.
I also couldn’t run from it. Just erase the marriage altogether. Rip the covenant page out. Start over without those chapters. Rewrite a few years to be allusive; just a little mysterious to keep people from trying to flip around.
I mustered up the strength to take the pen back into my hand. My ex didn’t give it up without bleeding the ink as much as he could.
What would I write next?
I could have let my wounds take over, writing bitterness, shame, unbridled anger, resentment, a desire for revenge, discontentment, misery. Instead, I chose to pause for a moment, with my hand held still, and ask Jesus to guide me in writing new words. Healthier words. Healed words. Words of freedom. I invited a counselor to join us in processing what had already been written and help me form the new sentences.
I prayed before I moved my pen.
I have to choose to take that pause every day. It calms my heart, mind, and soul to be able to ask Jesus to once again place His hand on mine. I am thankful that my Re.defined life is good. Really good. Now my story is about victory.
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