As I write my posts, I can feel triggered. Memories can flood me in a way that feels uncontrollable. I can begin to feel anxious or overwhelmed. I may reenter a phase of the emotional cycle for a particular issue or over my general reality. I love my Re.defined life, but I still grieve over dreams unseen. This doesn’t only happen when writing.
I can be triggered by just about anything; conversations, places, dates, objects, foods, the way a person touches me, or sometimes even just looks at me.
Triggers are difficult to avoid. I can’t always be sure what or if something will be “it.” I also never know the severity of what will result. It can range from quick flashbacks to nightmares, a small amount of discomfort that is easy to move on from or full-fledged panic attacks. And everything in between. I have even experienced craving a food when a memory flooded me. I don’t know how scientific that is, but I know that I ate it for comfort then, so it isn’t much of a surprise that my body would desire it for comfort now.
Dates are my most frequent issue because numbers stick with me.
This is called an anniversary reaction. Unfortunately, a lot of specific dates are stuck in my mind because of negative experiences or major milestones. A lot. I also have seasonal attachments like how in the summer he would spend more nights leaving the house, with or without my knowledge, lying about his whereabouts, hiding money to pay for things, etc. Moving to Miami where it’s always summer and there are plenty of drunk, tall blondes around has caused a few uncomfortable moments.
For a period of time, I was having severe nightmares of forced sexual experiences. I would wake up drenched in sweat, barely able to breathe, sometimes crying or screaming. I was working on my master’s degree and had just started a class on healthy sexuality, an intense trigger. That semester was incredibly difficult but also deeply healing. Reading positive and negative encounters of others, what sexual intimacy could look like, my right to establish boundaries even when married, and more healthy habits for the bedroom made me face one of my deepest wounds that I had been struggling to admit was even there: marital rape is real and it happened to me.
I may be divorced but the harsh reality is that I am still married to the memories.
You may have trigger experiences too. Reading this blog may bring your own memories tumbling to the surface. Please understand that it is very common for survivors of trauma and abuse to suffer from depression and posttraumatic stress disorder. That is why it is so important to seek professional counseling. A counselor can help you understand your own triggers, identify other possibilities, and learn techniques to manage them. A major healing goal of mine is to lessen the frequency and impact of my triggers. Check out this post on the techniques that I use to ground and re-center myself in order to overcome triggers, and what I do to help stop “it” from triggering me again.
We can Re.wire our brains and bodies to respond well.
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