Re.defined: a place for anyone that feels like their life isn’t what they imagined or wanted it to be.
At the start of this year, as I began to develop this blog, I had no idea that today everyone around me would be living a life very different than they imagined. Our day to day has certainly been Re.defined, but the reality is, so has the future, long after “normal” resumes.
Dreams are being taken. Goals cannot be met. Vision is becoming clouded.
Maybe your debt is growing each day and the dream of paying it off feels torn away.
Maybe you planned on buying a home this year, but now you won’t have enough saved.
Maybe your dream vacation has been canceled.
Maybe the business that you poured everything into won’t survive.
Maybe you were in the process of changing careers and now you have no idea if or when that can happen.
Maybe you planned on starting a family, but you can’t complete your IVF.
Maybe your adoption was placed on hold because you cannot travel.
Maybe your ideal birth plan has to change.
Maybe you are a student missing out on precious milestones like prom or graduation.
Maybe your wedding has been postponed or canceled.
Maybe a loved one is struggling with their health and you can’t be there to hold their hand.
Maybe they have passed and you can’t properly memorialize their life.
How is your life being Re.defined by this pandemic?
What has changed now that will affect your future?
This post focuses on the positive and talks about healing so that we can move towards a whole and healthy life, but today I am here to say that its ok to grieve. It’s ok to weep for the dreams unseen. It’s ok to admit that you are tired and weary. You are allowed to be disappointed. You are allowed to feel angry about this change.
Take a moment today to recognize what you are feeling and why you are feeling it. Honor yourself with permission to be right where you are at. Allow yourself to hold those emotions. Give yourself grace. Show your pain compassion.
It is wonderful to keep perspective of your struggles during this time, but remember that there aren’t comparisons. Hurt is just hurt. Do not feel ashamed of your pain. Do not allow guilt to creep in. My hurt doesn’t diminish or invalidate your hurt. No matter what is changing in your life right now, your emotions about it are valid.
When the news first hit that large gatherings needed to be canceled, and we needed to stay inside, I felt a level of disappointment that I haven’t felt in a long time. I immediately felt guilty that I was emotional about my plans being canceled when people around the world were dealing with sickness and death. I chose to give myself grace and explore my feelings.
I came to recognize that I felt so disappointed because I recently moved, which is difficult to begin with, and now my ability to make friends and build community here was being stripped down. I was already struggling to feel connected, and it suddenly felt impossible. In the grand scheme of life, this situation is only delaying my development, but I had to give myself permission to grieve the lost time and lost connections.
I don’t have to label this experience as “small” because of my past experiences, or yours. It is my reality now, and it is worth grieving. If you are feeling a difficult emotion today, don’t ignore it, don’t minimize it, don’t compare it, don’t make excuses for it; take a moment to acknowledge it. Say it out loud – even if it’s only to yourself. You may need more time with it, or it may leave you right away, but you’ll never get to release it if you don’t hold it to begin with.
I wrote this story and then thought about erasing it. I decided to include it to be true to the abuse insight commitment of this blog.
A few years into my marriage, faith, religion, and church became a major source of contention. I remember sitting in church one week and breaking down after my ex had made me feel really bad for coming. I quickly tried to dry my tears because I began thinking, “there are people being persecuted for their faith all around the world, so I don’t get to feel hurt when my husband mocks me for going to church, especially in a country where I’m free to do so.”
I did not allow myself to hold those emotions. In an attempt to reject my pain, I made a decision that became a major regret. I left my church, and my ministry, in an effort to appease my husband and stop the hurt. I gave up one of the last sources of passion and fulfillment that I had because I was convinced that it would stop his behavior. Not only did it not change anything in him, but it also didn’t remove any of the emotions I was experiencing and it didn’t change where I was at. All of my emotions only became amplified because I was trying to ignore that they were there. When I chose to sit with them, I began to have hope for healing.
The hard part about that story is that I still take responsibility for that decision, which I indeed made, but was not my own. That is what abuse can do to you. In reality, I left because of gaslighting. I left because of four years of mental, emotional, and spiritual abuse. My decision wasn’t a result of ignoring my emotions, it was an attempt to protect myself. It wasn’t until after I left that I was able to sit with my feelings and process them. It wasn’t until after I left that I could remove the guilt and shame that I felt in that experience and after it. My emotions did become amplified because I tried to ignore them, but they also became amplified because my ex used them against me.
I am so sorry if you are in an abusive situation today. I am so sorry that you may have absolutely no idea where to start with your emotions. I am so sorry if your feelings are being used against you. There is hope for clarity. There is hope for healing. You are not alone.
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