For the past few months, I have felt fixated on being vindicated. I’ve realized through a broken, hurting heart desperate for justice that my demand is actually for revenge, retaliation, retribution. I have been trying to reconcile an uncanny desire for punishment. I want to feel like my pain has consequence.
I’ve gone through a barrage of feeling angry, betrayed, isolated, and cheated. I think resentful sounds about right. The bizarre (or in reality, very good) part is that every time I ask myself what I would actually want to see happen, I can’t imagine anything. No amount of money, whether simply lost by him or given to me, seems appropriate. I feel absolutely horrible thinking about inflicting any kind of pain. Wishing a job is lost or for some sort of societal rejection riddles me with guilt.
What I have known intellectually and spiritually, but am only just understanding emotionally, is that no penalty on this earth will ever remedy this pain.
It is difficult not to allow these dark emotions to become deep-seated in my heart. I never imagined that would be a struggle for me. I went two and a half years fully trusting God to deal with him, not feeling any need to think about it. I focused on my own healing, enjoying freedom on many fronts. But somehow I have been taken captive by justice (or really, my interpretation of it). Feels ironic.
What is justice? I haven’t figured it out yet, and I’m not sure that I ever will. I’m really just working on giving it back to God. More on that in this post.
I’ll be able to hand this over eventually, but for the moment, there’s a weird dichotomy of power and helplessness. It’s strange yet enticing to explore. I’m not sure it’s wise to wander in it, but this is where I’m at right now (and I trust myself to never act). Feel free to comment your thoughts or opinions. I’m just a flawed human trying to find my way.
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