In the spirit of Easter, this week I am writing about forgiveness – our forgiveness of others.
Before I continue, this post may seem linear, so be sure to check out this post for more understanding of the journey of forgiveness. I try to represent my views fully and understandably in each post, but I think these have to be a pair to represent such a complex topic.
The most difficult part of life post-divorce has been forgiveness. I’m sure you can understand how unjust it feels to forgive the person that abused me. I wish I could say that I don’t need to forgive him, but in reality, it is about extending the same grace that God gives me.
Forgiveness isn’t just a suggestion; it is a command.
And for good reason. When we plant the seeds of unforgiveness, bitterness grows. It’s a vine that wraps itself around our hearts, slowly suffocating us from being able to love. It creeps in, sometimes unrecognizable until our life has been overtaken, and we can no longer grow. We struggle to let anyone in, and if we’re being honest, no one wants to get close enough to try anyway.
When we aren’t willing to forgive, we force ourselves to stay the victim. We give fuel to toxic emotions. We feel perpetually defeated, incapable of overcoming our negative thoughts. Cynicism and hostility can boil over. We become self-righteous, losing empathy. Relationships begin to fade. Thoughts of vindication take over.
Unforgiveness holds you captive in the season that you desperately want to get out of.
That’s where I was. Bitterness was growing in me. It was unsettling, and honestly, confusing. I was terrified that he’d always have control over me, even after I had left. I was working on forgiving some things, snapping off the vines, but I didn’t realize how deep the roots went.
I was focused on his words and actions – the visible, easy things to point to. I was angry about the things he said about my body, for example. It seemed manageable to forgive him for his comments. I could even make excuses for them; his perception was different than mine. Yet, nothing in me changed.
I was unwilling to forgive what the words caused.
My view of my body was dead. I had to grieve the death of my self-confidence. I had to mourn the fact that I couldn’t look at myself in a mirror. Forgiving what he did was only one step. I wasn’t going to be able to pull out the bitterness unless I first mourned what was now gone and then forgave him for the death that he caused.
I have to forgive the facts and then forgive the affects.
There is an exercise that I started to do to help myself with this process. You can try it too! Grab some index cards or loose-leaf paper. On one side, write the facts – I could write, “he called me fat and commented on my weight in front of others.” On the other side, write the effect – “I began to see myself as he said, removing my confidence and causing me to hate my body.” If you aren’t sure of the effects at first, you can go back later, after you’ve done the next step a few times.
Next, I took my mile-high stack of cards and spread them over my floor, fact side up. I grabbed a pillow to kneel on and prayed. I prayed that God would help me to forgive those facts, over and over again. I would take one at a time, spending days, weeks, or months over each card until I could forgive the facts.
The facts were what they were. I couldn’t change or erase them.
But then what? All of these parts of me were dead. My picture of when I should have kids was dead. My sense of intelligence was dead. My career dreams were dead. My self-worth was dead. Many of my relationships were dead. My trust in people was dead. Authority of my body was dead. My desire for a long happy marriage was dead.
Well, then I would flip it over, repeating the process on the effects side. This is where God is so good to us. Part of forgiving the effects involves reclaiming life. God has the power to resurrect. He can pull it from the grave. He can breathe life back in. He can restore. And the best part is when He brings life, He brings NEW life. Re.defined life.
The dead rise better than before they went in the grave. Wholeness comes. Healing comes.
If you are struggling with bitterness, maybe it’s just plain stubbornness to forgive, or maybe it’s because you aren’t going for the roots. Ask God to show you the death, help you mourn the loss, and then resurrect the things He has for you. Come back on Wednesday to learn more about forgiveness and the power it can have in your life.
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