It was a sunny day in early June 2017 when I was walking on my lunch break. I needed a breath of fresh air. My office was in Center City, Philadelphia, which lent for plenty of wandering. As I strolled, I suddenly felt an immense amount of anxiety sweep over me, and I began sobbing. It took me a moment to figure out why. I was standing on a street corner that apparently was distinct to my emotional memory even if it blended in with all of the other street corners in my brain. I unwillingly heard his words shouting in my mind:
I refuse to allow you to become a mother until you stop mothering me.
To be honest, I don’t remember the conversation that surrounded that statement, but it was one of many just like it that came rushing back. “I won’t get you pregnant until you lose weight.” “You aren’t capable of being a good mother because you can’t even accept me for who I am” (that one was in the context of his casual illegal drug use that I wasn’t feeling cool with). “If I let you have a baby, you’ll expect me to give you everything that you want.” “You can’t even keep our house clean as it is, what do you think will happen if we have a kid. This place will become unlivable.”
Talk about feeling crushed all over again.
On my walk back to my office, the same building that my ex worked in just two floors away, for the same company, I asked God to help me leave that city. Those memories. I hated that I would be leaving people that I loved very much, but I knew I couldn’t handle constant days like this one. God said that He wanted to protect me and that He would honor my desire. I chose to pretend that I hardly noticed the Holy Spirit’s whisper as I cleaned up my face to go back to my desk, “Pittsburgh.”
Over the next couple of days, I wondered how I would be able to survive starting over. I felt like it would be easier to relocate if I had a job lined up. Lucky for me, my company had plenty of offices in cities that sounded worthy of exploring. I decided to apply for positions within so that I could have income security. I began submitting my resume to options all down the east coast (proximity to the ocean felt very important). I kept hearing that whisper again and again, “Pittsburgh.”
I ignored it. I had no interest in going back to that landlocked, extra rainy, trap of hills. I like my city to be flat. I had already been a guest there for 3 months in college for an internship at a church. I felt that I had seen all that it had to offer. No thanks, Jesus. This blatant disobedience continued for over a month. A few times, I dropped the notion in a conversation with friends; only to have them laugh at the idea with me, further cementing in my mind that I knew better than Jesus.
During that delay of my judgment, I pushed for the sale of the house that we owned. It was a tough decision because the value would likely increase if we held onto it for a couple of years, but I couldn’t bear that level of forced attachment. No amount of money was worth staying entangled with him. I wasn’t seeing any movement on my job applications, so I wondered where I would live after the sale until I could relocate. The house didn’t see any traction for the first two weeks on the market either. I felt overwhelmed.
One night, I kneeled on the cold tile floor of the basement of that house as I was cleaning out wedding mementos. I said, “God, I really do want to be obedient to you. I just feel terrified. But surely Your plan must be better than mine because nothing seems to be going my way. I will at least apply for positions in Pittsburgh and see what happens.” I will never forget the way that He blew me away.
The next morning, as I sat catching up on emails, I received a phone call from an HR rep. “I see your resume, and you seem to be qualified for this confidential position. I need to make sure that you are willing to relocate before moving forward in the process.” I couldn’t help myself – “let me guess, this position is in Pittsburgh.” It sure was. She immediately set me up for an initial interview just a few hours later. That same day, the first bite on the house. But wait, there’s more. I moved forward in the interviewing process and a bidding war ensued on the house.
Within 3 weeks of saying yes to Jesus, I was standing in front of the empty house that I had just pre-signed the final sale paperwork for, with a moving truck full of my possessions ready to drive to a gorgeous apartment that I had signed the lease for hours before actually being offered the position because I was trusting that Jesus was going to provide. What a sentence. I started my new job, with a higher salary to meet all of my needs and a boss who was beyond kind to me. I had the safety of a local church to attend that was already familiar, with resources to help me heal.
Those two years in Pittsburgh were the best of my life so far. Jesus provided beyond my wildest dreams and set me up for the next season of obedience to a major ask.
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