This is written with the assumption that you have already taken time to take the first steps to improve your self-esteem, nurture a sense of identity, reclaim your voice and power, reduce triggers, cultivate a support system, mend self-compassion, develop self-care, etc. Don’t be tempted to search for love until you have taken time to focus on yourself. And don’t be afraid of ever trying again, if you have that desire. (Absolutely nothing wrong with sticking to single). Dating after abuse is possible!
Education is so important before looking for love again. Get educated on red flags. Write down early behaviors that you wish you had realized would get worse. Write down positive behaviors that you desire. Take some time to evaluate why you may have found yourself in an abusive relationship previously. If you find that a cycle has occurred, you will have a conscious awareness of red flags and behaviors that you should be cautious of.
Take your time. This is an all-around bonus tip for everyone. Be the master of your timeline. Don’t allow anyone else to dictate what milestones you should be hitting and when. Take your time moving your relationship from public spaces to private (physical location). Take your time talking about your past. Take your time to increase all aspects of intimacy.
As far as introducing your partner to friends or family – you can certainly take your time but it is beneficial to choose a few trusted people to bring into the mix sooner rather than later. They can provide an outside perspective. They can help make sure isolation isn’t occurring. If you need to, communicate to them ahead of time that you would prefer that they not discuss your past partners or abuse – that is your information to share when you are ready.
Open and honest communication. This is critical for every relationship to thrive, but for someone coming out of an abusive relationship, it takes a lot of extra vulnerability and a partner to receive it with a lot of extra empathy and understanding.
- Decide what part of your story that you’d like to share. You don’t need to tell it all at once. I recommend only discussing things that you have already done some work on.
- Choose a time and place. I love having difficult conversations outdoors (calming) and in the afternoon/evening (my brain seems to work best lol). Maybe on the phone feels better for you or with a friend present for the first few conversations.
- Set expectations. Let your partner know beforehand that you would like to discuss something difficult. When starting, let them know that you are nervous/scared/anxious and that you may need to take a few pauses. Let them know that you are just asking for them to listen, not fix anything, or feel angry for you.
- Practice mindfulness before beginning. Take a few breaths. Tell yourself that you are safe. Gather your thoughts. Grab a comforting item like a blanket or warm cup of tea. Do a grounding activity.
- If at any point you begin to feel unsafe or too overwhelmed, end the conversation. Tell your partner that you weren’t as ready as you thought and that you would appreciate their patience until you choose to try again.
You don’t know what you don’t know…until you know. I felt like I needed to heal every wound before entering a relationship. I wanted to be the best version of myself, but I also had this idea that I could protect a new partner from having to deal with any repercussions of my old one. Both were unrealistic. Adding another person in the mix is always going to shine light in places that you couldn’t see on your own.
I knew I was ready to begin dating when I felt that I had the tools to deal with newly identified struggles; when I felt prepared to allow a partner to hold my hand through them; and when I really understood that my partner can’t fix or take away anything that I am going to face.
Choose a safe word or action. This was really vital for me. Sometimes, I feel unexpectedly triggered during a conversation or activity. I needed a way to show that it was happening because I felt like my mouth would just stop working. We had a rule that if I turned my head away, it meant that I needed a few moments of silence to breath, gather myself and my thoughts, and find my words again. When I returned, I always tried to share what I could about it, but there was no pressure to. I did feel that being a good partner meant that eventually (even if weeks later) I would explain why I was triggered and how it made me feel.
Take the lead physically, at your own pace. If you’re a girl and you’re thinking, “but I love the magic of a first kiss from him,” (it’s ok to want a little romance), just ask him not to kiss you until you give the go-ahead. Then he can plan to plant one on you anytime that he’s ready without fear of triggering you. As physical intimacy progresses, don’t be afraid to make clear boundaries. It may sound silly, but making an actual list together of acceptable forms of touch can be an important exercise to prevent an unintentional break of trust.
Make self-care a priority. The healthier you are, the healthier the relationship can be. If possible, invite your partner into a few activities to add some bonding time.
Allow space to question if your feelings or reactions are related to the present issue at hand or are projecting from your past. Do not excuse your current partner’s behavior, words, or way of communication, but be open to exploring if the current situation deserves the intensity of what is happening inside of you. Pause the situation, take a few deep breaths, and ask yourself if these feelings are familiar and why. If you were projecting, you don’t need to feel guilt or shame, but don’t forget to apologize if it’s needed.
In the same vein, be mindful that you are not projecting on this person who you want them to be. You have to see them for who they are right now. You have to feel safe with them right now. Yes, they are capable of change. Yes, they will likely grow with you, as they learn deeper empathy, patience, and understanding through supporting you. But they have to have those things now. It is easy to dismiss red flags when you are attempting to look into their future, are making excuses for them, or are expecting to nurture them into who you need them to be.
Trust isn’t given, it is built. So build it one brick at a time with small opportunities and clear expectations. It is terrifying to trust someone again, but also so liberating. Allowing another person to support and cherish you can give a sense of freedom that you won’t find anywhere else. If you are moving at a pace that you feel safe with and your partner is meeting you with the empathy and understanding that you need, you’ll begin to open new parts of your life to them. It will be beautiful with the right person!
Most importantly, choose a partner that respects these requests and boundaries. If they don’t, it’s time to end it. You deserve safety and control.
Leave a comment if you have any tips that have helped you re-enter the dating world.
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