This week I am excited to chat about new relationships after abuse. I talk a lot about the individual healing journey, but once you have made some headway, you might ask, “am I ready to include someone?” Dating again is absolutely a personal decision to make, but I wanted to write about some essentials for when I decided to venture back into the scary, exciting, exhausting, adventurous world of dating. Today, I am sharing some glimpses into what it’s been like so far, and on Wednesday, I have a post about what I need to make me feel safe and successful, and what you might need too!
A few weeks ago I was speaking to a new friend and through the course of our conversation, we talked about her dating daydreams, my divorce, and much to her surprise, my desire to date and remarry. She got a little quiet, and I could tell something was swirling in her brain but she was unsure if she should say it. I invited her to be candid and so she asked, “do you think that you are capable of being in a relationship with someone who isn’t abusive?” Then I got a little quiet because, to be honest, I felt a little hurt.
Thankfully, I gave that moment of silence because she continued, “my mom went from abuser to abuser, spending years stuck with horrible men. Eventually, she decided to just stay single because she felt like she wasn’t even capable of being with someone who would treat her well. I feel bad because she is definitely lonely, but I am afraid to encourage her to date again because maybe she really doesn’t know how to be in a healthy relationship.”
My heart broke for both of them.
That was a big question, but I will quickly highlight what we talked about.
- Yes, her mom is in fact capable of being in a healthy relationship, but first, she needs to focus on becoming healthy herself. She needs to begin healing from the terrible things done to her. She needs to feel whole so that she isn’t searching for someone to “complete her.”
- Her mom is not destined for abuse. It was never her fault. She has done nothing to deserve it.
- Many victims can trace patterns in their family or dating history that may have contributed to choosing an abusive partner(s). She should create a family tree but also include each of her previous partners and major friendships. Just in talking to her daughter, we identified:
Her exes’ behavior felt natural because her father acted in a similar manner. Her parents never modeled appropriate standards of respect and boundaries.
She experienced trauma of another form that made her feel powerless, creating an optimal target for an abuser. That power struggle then continued from one partner to the next because she did not have the opportunity to regain it.
She was struggling with an aspect of her identity, personality, or appearance that the abuser dialed into, complimented, and built false trust and affection through. Upon leaving the relationship, that area was a struggle once again (if it wasn’t the whole time already), leaving her vulnerable to search for a new fixer.
The people who surrounded her were powerful influences. The first relationship began because she held deep affection and respect for someone who encouraged it. That person may not have had any ill intention, being just as charmed by the abuser as she was.
And this one hit my own heart – she idolized romance, rendering her blind to red flags when the first partner did grand gestures to win her love. Not allowing time to heal after leaving left her open to the cycle that continued.
- Knowing her pattern and educating herself about red flags will help her identify the behavior faster and trust her intuition if it tells her to leave him behind.
- I empowered my friend to help her mother set up a support system, providing her information for a few local therapists, and giving her a book about creating boundaries so that she can be a valuable support herself.
- I encouraged her to be a hope carrier for her mother, never pressuring her to date, but instead, uplifting her with words of life.
Now back to me *don’t roll your eyes, I told you this was about me*
I was pretty scared about falling into a pattern myself. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to recognize red flags because I am still sorting through how I didn’t the first time around. It is so very messy. But I felt ready to try. I was prepared with new tools, committed to putting in the work, and open to the possibilities. (I will share more on what helped me in this area on Wednesday).
The most common first question to be asked from a friend (or my mom) about a date: “is he divorced too?” I have no idea if it is that people think we have a divorced club (little Friends reference for you) or some kind of divorced bat signal we send out? Or if divorcees are viewed as damaged so only deserving of other divorcees? Or that we are only interested in other divorcees? Or maybe that we relate to one another in a deeper way? – I don’t know, but I am open to answering yes or no to that one.
At first, I was afraid of creating special memories on the initial few dates because I felt like those activities would then be ruined for me in the future if things didn’t work out. I quickly realized that was some baggage that I didn’t want to carry anymore. Now, I find it so exciting to make dates unique and fun simply for the joy of it. And who knows, maybe my next first date will be my last!
I was afraid that I would never feel butterflies again. I felt like dating would now be methodical and structured, cutting out any room for that playful attraction. I was pleasantly surprised to be wrong. I will tuck this in here too – I was genuinely afraid that I would never have libido, and it’s effects, again. I was quickly proved wrong on that one and needed some physical boundaries, stat! I personally believe in saving sex for marriage, so most of those boundaries were for that purpose. But sexual abuse was very much part of my trauma, and I need lots of safety precautions here.
I do indeed have a list of what I am looking for in a man. Most of it is what I have to come to learn are the basics that everyone deserves like mutual love and respect. But, I do have a few little dreamy qualities too like musically inclined, a good skier or snowboarder, enjoys hosting people for dinner, travels well, and loves the ocean as much as I do. A girl can dream!
Alright, this post is long enough. I’ll see you back here on Wednesday to talk about what the relationship landscape actually looks like for me now, as an abuse victim. I wrote it to be helpful for anyone struggling to trust an intimate partner, but I think the majority can apply to all relationships!
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Anonymous
😇💙🥰💭