I CAN DO THIS
I wrote that on the top of my page to convince myself to keep trying to write a post, and I decided to leave it in because it’s reality. That is where I’ve been lately – constantly giving pep talks and trying to bribe myself into doing anything and everything. If you brush your teeth, you can have a latte. Check a task off of Basecamp today so that you can watch TV. No dinner until you’ve gone outside for at least 30 minutes. I guess I’ll call it a rewards-based system.
Besides the current reality of the COVID world (which only makes the following worse), April is a month of anniversary reactions for me (read about those here). It’s been 3 years since I ended my marriage. Sometimes it all feels like a distant memory, a completely different lifetime, but then there are days, or weeks like the last few, that it feels fresh and raw. Logically, I know that I am not in it, but emotionally, and even a little physiologically, I feel like I am.
Since the day I left, I have had triggers that can make a day seem to spiral. Focused healing can bring along some unwanted effects for a week or two. But an episode of PTSD is different. It is consistent and consuming. The first time I experienced PTSD was in 2018, over a year after I had left. It took me over 2 months to recognize what it was, another month before I felt like I was managing it, and one more month until it seemed over. This time I have felt slightly more equipped, even though I can’t utilize all of my coping mechanisms.
I’ve been having really invasive memories and flashbacks that make me feel like I am right in it again. It doesn’t matter if I open my eyes or close them; I’m just trapped. I’m desperately tired, but I have difficulty falling asleep. Then I have nightmares and can’t stay asleep. Loss of interest and motivation, feelings of isolation, and loneliness all ebb and flow from hour to hour. Difficulty concentrating, feeling unable to think straight and every task seeming overwhelming are why I had to start with a mini pep talk.
The weirdest part is all the conflicting sensations like persistent sadness while also feeling numb, craving a hug but being repulsed at the thought of someone touching me, feeling nauseous yet fixating on food, hating him for what he did but also questioning if he did anything, feeling desperate to be with people but wanting to crawl up in a ball or feeling incapable of conversation. I told a friend that it’s like living in a twilight zone, blurry yet sharp, dull yet intense.
I had a different topic to write about as part of this five-part series about Re.lease, but the mess above is all that I could get out. And so this week’s focus has become finding release from the bondage of abuse and trauma by continually choosing healing. Being here in this place again reminds me that I have to work hard for healing. I have to keep choosing it. Healing will not just happen to me and it doesn’t have a finish line to cross. The saying that time heals all wounds is just not true.
Be sure to check out this post to learn what it means to choose healing and some self-care that I use to help me in the process.
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