Quarantine has been a difficult time for many. Unfortunately, a devastating number of women have reached out over the last few months asking for prayer for their marriages that are gasping for air or have ended. I want to take some time over the next few weeks to discuss navigating separation and divorce.
I am going to be using my own personal experience and decisions as examples, so you may have a different approach or implement these things in a different way, and that’s ok! However, I am not saying “do divorce however it feels right for you, there is no wrong path” because honestly, that’s not great advice. There are common pitfalls and damaging behavior that I will try to include in each post.
This week’s tip: Decide who you do not want to be.
That may sound a little counterintuitive to you, but I found it to be the most impactful way to create boundaries and remove room for me to excuse my behavior. By looking deeper into negative attitudes and actions, I felt that it was easier to check myself. As an example, has anyone ever said something mean to you under the guise of honesty or being forthright? Focusing some attention on who I did not want to be helped remove the ability to justify being malicious.
Many divorces can get very messy and create a mountain of hurt and regrettable behavior from both parties, and I did not want to contribute to the trauma that had already occurred. I wanted to be able to walk away from the experience feeling proud of the way that I acted and presented myself. I wanted beautiful, flourishing branches to grow throughout the process, instead of withering vines. Don’t worry, I did also create a list of honorable behaviors that you’ll see included below.
- I do not want to be petty. Everything in my natural flesh wanted to “give him a taste of his own medicine” but I knew from the start that I never wanted to behave or inflict pain on another human the way that he did. That had to include against him.
- I do not want to be bitter. Being bitter was only going to punish me. He wasn’t going to feel my bitterness.
- I do want to be vengeful. Similar to pettiness, I knew that revenge is not justice so committing something against him was only going to leave me feeling guilty, ashamed, and embarrassed.
- I do not want to be consumed with anger. It was (and still is) ok for me to feel angry about the injustice that occurred and the damage that I have to continue to live with, but being consumed by anger was only going to hurt me.
- I do not want to be greedy. Of course, I wanted to walk away with every penny that I could, but I had to keep reminding myself that money could not fix anything and was not going to make me feel any better. My priority was not money; it was freedom and safety. I could pour more time and emotion into fighting for more money, or I could choose to rebuild on my own. It was a hard decision, but worth it for me.
- I do not want to run into the next relationship/rebound. Besides not wanting to walk into another abusive relationship, I knew that no man could fix the brokenness that I was feeling (and that it would be wrong of me to place that burden on him).
- I do not want to allow my hurt to hurt others. This is pretty obvious, but when coming out of an abusive relationship, I wanted to also do my best not to project my ex’s behavior onto others or assume that everyone was working against me.
- I do not want to make decisions with concern for how others will view them. There are so many opinions that you will receive. Ultimately, you need to consider your and your partner’s needs and desires.
- I do not want to repeat the hurtful words that he spoke about others. This may not apply to everyone, but my ex did not only speak disparagingly of me. When people chose to support him or simply speak negatively of me, it felt really enticing to tell them all of the horrible things he had said about them. I did not want to spread those seeds.
- I want to be forgiving.
- I want to give grace.
- I want to have integrity in my words and actions.
- I want to be honest.
- I want to be vulnerable.
- I want to release shame.
- I want to allow people to see my pain and come around me.
- I want to be thankful and have gratitude.
- I want to continue to trust God with my finances and keep my conviction to tithe.
