“Authentic healing from an abusive relationship begins with telling your story. When you tell your story, even to yourself, you’re taking an honest inventory of where you are, how you have changed, and how living a secret life behind closed doors has altered you. Your story belongs to you, and it’s yours to tell. It is no one else’s. It is yours alone. Telling your story will give you power over it and eventually allow you to make peace with it.”
— Healing Well and Living Free from an Abusive Relationship: From Victim to Survivor to Overcomer by Dr. Ramona Probasco
On Monday, I shared some of the responses that I received within the first few months of ending my marriage. The list of hurtful statements could’ve run on for a while. I was particularly disappointed with some of the feedback from Christians (thankfully the ones closest to me were on the helpful list). I realized pretty quickly that abusive relationships are seldom spoken of within the church, if ever at all, and many people had never had to consider how they would respond to a situation like mine. There were some people that didn’t even try to act like Jesus, but I think for most, they just weren’t prepared.
That’s why I started telling my story out loud. The more I did, the more reasons to share that stirred in my heart.
You will have your own purpose and your own way. It doesn’t have to be on a blog or from a stage. Start in your journal. Let a counselor in. Try a piece with a friend.
- Decide what part of your story that you’d like to share. You don’t need to tell it all at once. I like to let people know that they are invited to ask any questions they think of, but I may decline to answer.
- Choose a time and place. In-person or on the phone? Via writing? A public or private place?
- Set expectations. Let them know beforehand that you would like to discuss something difficult. Consider asking if they have the capacity to listen (or willingness). When starting, let them know that you are nervous/scared/anxious and that you may need to take a few pauses.
- Practice mindfulness before beginning. Take a few breaths. Tell yourself that you are safe. Gather your thoughts. Grab a comforting item like a blanket or warm cup of tea. Do a grounding activity.
- If at any point you begin to feel unsafe or too overwhelmed, end the conversation. Tell them that you weren’t as ready as you thought and that you would appreciate their patience until you choose to try again (if you do).
- It is important to remember that you cannot control how a person responds. Try to have grace BUT if their response makes you feel blamed or shamed, bring the conversation to a close.
- You may need support. If possible, let someone that you trust know that you are planning to have the conversation so that they can follow up or be available to talk after. This could be a counselor, friend, family member, or support group. If none of these are available to you, make note of a hotline to use instead.
Regardless of the how or why you tell your story, every time you share:
You take a little power back.
You acknowledge your emotions and walk one more step into healing.
You find your own voice.
You sort out what you actually think versus what they wanted you to think.
You let another victim know that (s)he is not alone.
You inspire someone else to do the same.
You build hope in yourself and others.
Vulnerability is scary but worth it. Explore the depths of your story. Allow yourself to be known. Don’t apologize for sharing. You are worthy to be heard.
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