I love answering questions from readers! If you ever have one, don’t hesitate to leave it as a comment (which can be done anonymously on any post) or to send it via Insta or FB messages (click the icons above to connect).
Today’s focus: What were the most helpful and hurtful things that people have said since leaving your marriage?
That is a great question! First, let me say that I am really happy to see a new trend of people asking for appropriate responses to things like grief and trauma. It shows a deep sense of care to desire to learn before speaking. Toxic positivity is a hot topic in the world right now because good intentions don’t always translate. Instead, “looking for the bright side” can leave a person feeling dismissed, like their pain isn’t valid, or ashamed that their pain is still so heavy. I know it felt that way for me.
Here is how this post originally started: What started to become particularly damaging was comments like, “well at least you got out while you’re still young and have plenty of time to meet someone new,” “at least it was only five years,” “at least you don’t have to share kids with him,” at least…
I have a lifetime of healing ahead of me. I pray that I am lucky enough to meet someone wonderful, and I will have to battle a unique set of relational struggles that you will never understand. I am devastated that I am not a mother and have deep wounds from the prospect of a family being used as a weapon. Don’t “at least…” me anything.
As you can see, I can get pretty passionate about this topic. There are a lot of suggested do’s and don’ts for tons of situations out there, so I am going to focus on specific things that I heard. If you would like to add anything to this list, please comment with it below!
Let’s start with the good stuff:
- I believe you.
- I am so sorry that you went through such a difficult experience.
- I am here to sit silently with you whenever you need.
- I see you and I hear you.
- You are so brave, but I’m here if you need a break.
- Let me know if you’d like me to go to the courthouse with you/be at home with you when he comes for his things/meet you at your desk to walk you to the train.
- Is there anything that I can do to help you feel safe?
- Thank you for sharing your story with me.
- You didn’t deserve anything that happened to you. You are not to blame.
- I am proud of you.
- You will rebuild because you are strong and capable.
- I am here whenever you need a reminder that you are not crazy.
- I am bringing you ice cream, which flavor do you want?
These go from bad to worse…
- *Silence* as if it never happened…
- If it was so bad, you should’ve just left.
- That really doesn’t sound like him.
- I want to hear his side of the story.
- All relationships are difficult. This is probably just a rough patch.
- You are ruining his life.
- Are you sure you can financially support yourself without him?
- You’re beautiful; you’ll be married again so fast!
- It’s only up from here.
- At least…
- Getting divorced was the best decision of my life. You’re going to love it.
- You’ll be ready for … in no time.
- Now that you’ve left, you can move on and never look back.
- He didn’t even hit you. It couldn’t have been that bad.
- It sounds like you just didn’t like yourself and are taking it out on him.
- No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
- God hates divorce. You should consider staying separated. You never know, he might change in a few years.
- You should really be praying for God to reconcile you back together one day.
- It isn’t rape if you were married.
Honestly, I could add so much “Christian advice” to the hurtful list. If you are in an abusive situation and in a faith community that it saying damaging things to you or insisting that you stay, please please please know that they are wrong, they are unhealthy, and you deserve better. And there is better out there.
If you have said any of the hurtful things above to a friend or loved one, it is never too late to apologize.
Thanks for joining me today! On Wednesday, I am going to talk about the power of telling your story even if some people may not understand how to respond.
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